Cantaloupes

Cantaloupes.

The bitch must be smuggling cantaloupes. There is absolutely no other explanation—or excuse—for her bosom. I try, I truly do, not to be one of those women who indiscriminately hates on other women. The world in general has plenty of hate for women without my participation. It’s redundant and unnecessary.

That said, though, there is no logical explanation for what was happening under this woman’s low-rent leopard-print blouse. First of all, it’s frighteningly cold in the Lou. It’s five degrees. One, two, three, four, five! motherfucking degrees. You step outside, and you gasp, and you wait for your skin to crack and slide off. I don’t give a damn how hot you are, this time of year no one wants to see your navel, and no one is even ready to believe that yam tan of yours. Please.

I’m buxom, curvy kind of girl. It has taken me years to make peace with my déclassé breasts; they just don’t suit me, and they’ve never been particularly comfortable. However, America is for some reason boob obsessed, so I understand (theoretically) why women want fake ones.

What I don’t understand is why anyone would ever want breasts that would never be mistaken for human. Or mammalian. Or, you know, of Earth. Giant, rock hard silicone orbs perched threateningly on either side of one’s sternum, waiting to leap out and attack an unsuspecting passerby. Hot, very hot.

I had to switch seats with my companion because I could not stand to see the fluff tottering around the bar. I could practically here her flesh groaning under the strain of keeping those children’s playground bouncy balls held in place. I do not for an instant imagine that these particular breast-like things attached to this woman could be remotely pleasant to the touch; I would expect that it would be much like feeling up tetherball. I choose not even to speculate on her discomfort, especially in light of the fact that she was certainly not intended by nature to be built like Malibu Dingbat Barbie.

The doctor who did this . . . thing to her should be fed to wild dogs.