Tuesday, October 21, 2008

On A Year Ago Yesterday

I realized today that the last time I ever talked to my friend Russell was a year ago yesterday. He came to my birthday party. We talked and drank, and we made plans to go out for dinner or drinks when I got back from a trip I had coming up.

I wanted to hear about his new girlfriend, and to talk to him about Jason.

Part of me feels terrible that I didn't recognize yesterday for the anniversary that it was. I know, though, that it doesn't exactly matter. If Russell could vote, he'd probably vote in favor of cocktails and butter.

I just wish I had raised that cocktail to him. I will, though. He'd be for it.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Thirty-two

Here follows 32 things I know, in no particular order:

1. I know how to make a mean pie crust, a nummy cheesecake, and wicked spaghetti sauce and all its derivatives.

2. I know that yelling is probably not worth it.

3. I know that sometimes I'm going to yell anyway.

4. I know that there is no trait more despicable than cowardice.

5. I know how to fit in at a fancy cocktail party and a dive bar.

6. I know that Coco Chanel is right, generally, you should get ready and then take off one thing.

7. I know now that I quite like gimlets. Hooray for new cocktails.

8. I know that I have a glorious bosom. No really, trust me.

9. I know that sometimes, the evening calls for big hair.

10. I know I will land on my feet, even if I do hit all the branches on the way down.

11. I know that when in doubt it either most likely needs more garlic or more salt. Or both.

12. I know how to walk in heels. Even when drunk. I can even do the knee-on-knee-back drunk in heels propped stand. It’s what separates the women from the girls.

13. I know I’m no longer cute. Attractive, pretty, maybe even sexy—I’ll leave that up to someone else to determine—but not cute. Not sure I ever was, but I’ve outgrown it.

14. I know that, for the most part, I don’t give a shit.

15. That said, I know I don’t make enough to vote Republican. Don’t much expect I ever will.

16. I know that I prefer most animals to most people. Animals have purer motives, and are more likely to repay kindness with kindnesss.

17. I know that right now I’m underpaid and undervalued at work, but that’s okay because one day, when the economy picks up, I know they’ll be looking around like, “Why don’t she write?”

18. I know what it’s like to swim alone in the ocean at midnight. In March.

19. I know who my friends are.

20. I know that I’m incredibly, ridiculously, undeservedly lucky in having the friends I do.

21. I know, now, that’d I’d rather eat my own hair than break bread with someone I don’t like.

22. I know what boys like. I know what guys want.

23. I know I don’t give much of a shit what guys—or girls—want. I used to, but I quit.

24. I know I have lucked right the fuck out in finding The Boy.

25. I know that my family might be crazy, but any or all of them would eat through a room of assholes if that’s what it took to save me, and I know I’m lucky.

26. I know that if having a perfect body requires I surrender ice cream, then fuck a bunch of that.

27. I know how to cut in a wall, window, or baseboard when painting, without tape.

28. I know that I’ve made pretty fucking stupid mistakes, but I’m still here, and no one has died, so I better get over it.

29. I know that that having my heart broken has made me a better person.

30. I know that there is little better than sitting up too late with friends talking and laughing and drinking too much.

31. I know that just because someone likes to have sex with women, doesn’t mean he actually likes them.

32. I know that while wine and chocolate won’t solve my problems, they will in fact turn down the volume.

And, as a bonus, I know that I’m a year older, and arguably no wiser, but I’m looking forward to learning some new shit in year 33.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Post Presidential Debate v.1

John McCain causes terrible vaginal dryness and itching.

Seriously, I think my pussy hates him.

Here's to hoping I have something more intelligent, if not as succinct, to contribute tomorrow.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Post Veep Debate

Ohmyfuckinggod.

So, Sarah Palin. Let's talk about this.

She is a woman. Ovaries, breast, lipstick, woman. Check. And a wife. And a mother. Fine. Great. Whatever.

She's also a publicity stunt; a disaster; an insult. She sounds like a moron, with her "nookyouler" and her "up there." People keep talking about her like she's the second coming. She's "like us." She "folksy." She's "down to Earth."

Like who? Not like me. She's not like me. Oh wait! Do you mean she's like me in that she's uninformed and intellectually lazy? Then yeah. Okay, then she's like us. Except that she somehow thinks that a $5000 tax credit--to be paid for by taxing workers' employer paid-health benefits--will somehow work as comprehensive tax care.

Look. People thought Bush was folksy, and like us. LOOK AT WHERE WE ARE NOW! This is something we want to repeat? This? So great we want more?

"People are picking on her because she's a woman!"

Nope. People are picking on her because she's an asshat. She is Dan Quayle with a slightly better grasp on spelling. She's uninformed and unprepared. People are picking on her because she's ignorant.

I'm not proud she's running for V.P. because she's a woman and I happen to be as well. Instead, I'm embarrassed that people think she somehow deserves a pass because of the happenstance of her two X chromosomes. Does her inability to pronounce nuclear stem from a wandering uterus? Is that what causes her to support abstinence only education? Pray, do tell.

Sarah Palin doesn't make me embarrassed to be a woman. She makes me embarrassed to be an American. What does it say about us as a people that we would settle for her?