Thirty-two

Here follows 32 things I know, in no particular order:

1. I know how to make a mean pie crust, a nummy cheesecake, and wicked spaghetti sauce and all its derivatives.

2. I know that yelling is probably not worth it.

3. I know that sometimes I'm going to yell anyway.

4. I know that there is no trait more despicable than cowardice.

5. I know how to fit in at a fancy cocktail party and a dive bar.

6. I know that Coco Chanel is right, generally, you should get ready and then take off one thing.

7. I know now that I quite like gimlets. Hooray for new cocktails.

8. I know that I have a glorious bosom. No really, trust me.

9. I know that sometimes, the evening calls for big hair.

10. I know I will land on my feet, even if I do hit all the branches on the way down.

11. I know that when in doubt it either most likely needs more garlic or more salt. Or both.

12. I know how to walk in heels. Even when drunk. I can even do the knee-on-knee-back drunk in heels propped stand. It’s what separates the women from the girls.

13. I know I’m no longer cute. Attractive, pretty, maybe even sexy—I’ll leave that up to someone else to determine—but not cute. Not sure I ever was, but I’ve outgrown it.

14. I know that, for the most part, I don’t give a shit.

15. That said, I know I don’t make enough to vote Republican. Don’t much expect I ever will.

16. I know that I prefer most animals to most people. Animals have purer motives, and are more likely to repay kindness with kindnesss.

17. I know that right now I’m underpaid and undervalued at work, but that’s okay because one day, when the economy picks up, I know they’ll be looking around like, “Why don’t she write?”

18. I know what it’s like to swim alone in the ocean at midnight. In March.

19. I know who my friends are.

20. I know that I’m incredibly, ridiculously, undeservedly lucky in having the friends I do.

21. I know, now, that’d I’d rather eat my own hair than break bread with someone I don’t like.

22. I know what boys like. I know what guys want.

23. I know I don’t give much of a shit what guys—or girls—want. I used to, but I quit.

24. I know I have lucked right the fuck out in finding The Boy.

25. I know that my family might be crazy, but any or all of them would eat through a room of assholes if that’s what it took to save me, and I know I’m lucky.

26. I know that if having a perfect body requires I surrender ice cream, then fuck a bunch of that.

27. I know how to cut in a wall, window, or baseboard when painting, without tape.

28. I know that I’ve made pretty fucking stupid mistakes, but I’m still here, and no one has died, so I better get over it.

29. I know that that having my heart broken has made me a better person.

30. I know that there is little better than sitting up too late with friends talking and laughing and drinking too much.

31. I know that just because someone likes to have sex with women, doesn’t mean he actually likes them.

32. I know that while wine and chocolate won’t solve my problems, they will in fact turn down the volume.

And, as a bonus, I know that I’m a year older, and arguably no wiser, but I’m looking forward to learning some new shit in year 33.