On Captialism, Telecommunications Edition

Capitalism failed me again today.

Because my dad always held my intelligence in high esteem, he never had a problem explaining rather adult concepts to me. Before the age of 10, I had a rudimentary grasp of, in no particular order, perspective drawing; the internal combustion engine; why it was a bad idea to engage Israel in a war; the proper way to administer a headbutt; and the basic elements of capitalism. Supply and demand, opportunity cost, laissez faire economics (he didn’t use the words “laissez faire,” but whatever), monopolies, and why people in the USSR stood in line for toilet paper—all of these things were explained to me before I began the 4th grade.

Now, why can’t someone explain it to huge-normous corporations with which I am unwittingly forced to conduct business?

Having finally decided that Charter Communications is no longer worth trying to work with, I chose to go back to AT&T and get a landline phone and DSL. I need to be able to shop for sex toys and type swear words at will, so I need to get online at home.

This whole process turned into an utter goat-rope. I should be a communications company’s wet dream. I loathe ordering by phone. I am more than happy to send my personal information out over the interweb just so that I need not actually open my mouth and talk with another human being. It’s cheaper for the company, it keeps my hair from falling out. Why, dear god, why can’t we make this happen? What low-rent dropout programmers are working on the website for AT&T, and why can’t they make the P.O.S. work?

And, perhaps most importantly, whose dick do I have to suck to get these people to take my money?