An Open Letter to Johnson and Johnson, et al

Dear Deodorant Manufacturers,

I know that in your quest to corner an ever-larger share of the antiperspirant market, you feel that you must always come out with a new and better product. As you pursue research and development in the service of this, our laissez-faire economic system, please bear in mind the following: as you attempt to impress me with ever-more interesting deodorant choices, my basic needs have not changed.

To wit, I need not to smell like an armpit.

Further, not only do I prefer not to “pit out” as they say, I prefer for my armpits to carry no noticeable fragrance of any kind. No lilies, no pears, no vanilla, no rain, ocean, jasmine, violet, ginger, spicy Italian sausage, or whatever other fragrance experiment might be floating around in a test-tube in your R&D lab.

When I shop for an antiperspirant, I am seeking the most easily ignorable product I can find. I want innocuous. I want unimposing. When my boyfriend asks about the unique and beguiling scent I am wearing, I want him to be referring to my perfume. Not the oily goo that I swipe across my stubbly armpit every morning.

In case your market research has failed in some gross way, allow me to elucidate something for you. The purchasers of women’s antiperspirants are, by and large, women. Most women are in possession of countless gels, lotions, creams, sprays, and powders that can and do assist us in smelling like anything hitherto encountered on this or any other planet. There is nothing that you can bring to this party that I want.

Now, I understand that there might be any number of women out there who enjoy the wide-variety of scents available on today’s antiperspirant market; far be it from me to stand between their armpits and life’s scent smorgasbord. All I ask is that when I stop into Target at lunch time to stock up, I can easily acquire a deodorant that neither possesses its own distinct aroma nor leaves giant, chalky marks on my clothes.

If it must smell like something, make it something subtle and forgettable. Powder scent will do in a pinch.

Yours sincerely,
Etc, etc, etc.