I realized today that the last time I ever talked to my friend Russell was a year ago yesterday. He came to my birthday party. We talked and drank, and we made plans to go out for dinner or drinks when I got back from a trip I had coming up.
I wanted to hear about his new girlfriend, and to talk to him about Jason.
Part of me feels terrible that I didn't recognize yesterday for the anniversary that it was. I know, though, that it doesn't exactly matter. If Russell could vote, he'd probably vote in favor of cocktails and butter.
I just wish I had raised that cocktail to him. I will, though. He'd be for it.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Thirty-two
Here follows 32 things I know, in no particular order:
1. I know how to make a mean pie crust, a nummy cheesecake, and wicked spaghetti sauce and all its derivatives.
2. I know that yelling is probably not worth it.
3. I know that sometimes I'm going to yell anyway.
4. I know that there is no trait more despicable than cowardice.
5. I know how to fit in at a fancy cocktail party and a dive bar.
6. I know that Coco Chanel is right, generally, you should get ready and then take off one thing.
7. I know now that I quite like gimlets. Hooray for new cocktails.
8. I know that I have a glorious bosom. No really, trust me.
9. I know that sometimes, the evening calls for big hair.
10. I know I will land on my feet, even if I do hit all the branches on the way down.
11. I know that when in doubt it either most likely needs more garlic or more salt. Or both.
12. I know how to walk in heels. Even when drunk. I can even do the knee-on-knee-back drunk in heels propped stand. It’s what separates the women from the girls.
13. I know I’m no longer cute. Attractive, pretty, maybe even sexy—I’ll leave that up to someone else to determine—but not cute. Not sure I ever was, but I’ve outgrown it.
14. I know that, for the most part, I don’t give a shit.
15. That said, I know I don’t make enough to vote Republican. Don’t much expect I ever will.
16. I know that I prefer most animals to most people. Animals have purer motives, and are more likely to repay kindness with kindnesss.
17. I know that right now I’m underpaid and undervalued at work, but that’s okay because one day, when the economy picks up, I know they’ll be looking around like, “Why don’t she write?”
18. I know what it’s like to swim alone in the ocean at midnight. In March.
19. I know who my friends are.
20. I know that I’m incredibly, ridiculously, undeservedly lucky in having the friends I do.
21. I know, now, that’d I’d rather eat my own hair than break bread with someone I don’t like.
22. I know what boys like. I know what guys want.
23. I know I don’t give much of a shit what guys—or girls—want. I used to, but I quit.
24. I know I have lucked right the fuck out in finding The Boy.
25. I know that my family might be crazy, but any or all of them would eat through a room of assholes if that’s what it took to save me, and I know I’m lucky.
26. I know that if having a perfect body requires I surrender ice cream, then fuck a bunch of that.
27. I know how to cut in a wall, window, or baseboard when painting, without tape.
28. I know that I’ve made pretty fucking stupid mistakes, but I’m still here, and no one has died, so I better get over it.
29. I know that that having my heart broken has made me a better person.
30. I know that there is little better than sitting up too late with friends talking and laughing and drinking too much.
31. I know that just because someone likes to have sex with women, doesn’t mean he actually likes them.
32. I know that while wine and chocolate won’t solve my problems, they will in fact turn down the volume.
And, as a bonus, I know that I’m a year older, and arguably no wiser, but I’m looking forward to learning some new shit in year 33.
1. I know how to make a mean pie crust, a nummy cheesecake, and wicked spaghetti sauce and all its derivatives.
2. I know that yelling is probably not worth it.
3. I know that sometimes I'm going to yell anyway.
4. I know that there is no trait more despicable than cowardice.
5. I know how to fit in at a fancy cocktail party and a dive bar.
6. I know that Coco Chanel is right, generally, you should get ready and then take off one thing.
7. I know now that I quite like gimlets. Hooray for new cocktails.
8. I know that I have a glorious bosom. No really, trust me.
9. I know that sometimes, the evening calls for big hair.
10. I know I will land on my feet, even if I do hit all the branches on the way down.
11. I know that when in doubt it either most likely needs more garlic or more salt. Or both.
12. I know how to walk in heels. Even when drunk. I can even do the knee-on-knee-back drunk in heels propped stand. It’s what separates the women from the girls.
13. I know I’m no longer cute. Attractive, pretty, maybe even sexy—I’ll leave that up to someone else to determine—but not cute. Not sure I ever was, but I’ve outgrown it.
14. I know that, for the most part, I don’t give a shit.
15. That said, I know I don’t make enough to vote Republican. Don’t much expect I ever will.
16. I know that I prefer most animals to most people. Animals have purer motives, and are more likely to repay kindness with kindnesss.
17. I know that right now I’m underpaid and undervalued at work, but that’s okay because one day, when the economy picks up, I know they’ll be looking around like, “Why don’t she write?”
18. I know what it’s like to swim alone in the ocean at midnight. In March.
19. I know who my friends are.
20. I know that I’m incredibly, ridiculously, undeservedly lucky in having the friends I do.
21. I know, now, that’d I’d rather eat my own hair than break bread with someone I don’t like.
22. I know what boys like. I know what guys want.
23. I know I don’t give much of a shit what guys—or girls—want. I used to, but I quit.
24. I know I have lucked right the fuck out in finding The Boy.
25. I know that my family might be crazy, but any or all of them would eat through a room of assholes if that’s what it took to save me, and I know I’m lucky.
26. I know that if having a perfect body requires I surrender ice cream, then fuck a bunch of that.
27. I know how to cut in a wall, window, or baseboard when painting, without tape.
28. I know that I’ve made pretty fucking stupid mistakes, but I’m still here, and no one has died, so I better get over it.
29. I know that that having my heart broken has made me a better person.
30. I know that there is little better than sitting up too late with friends talking and laughing and drinking too much.
31. I know that just because someone likes to have sex with women, doesn’t mean he actually likes them.
32. I know that while wine and chocolate won’t solve my problems, they will in fact turn down the volume.
And, as a bonus, I know that I’m a year older, and arguably no wiser, but I’m looking forward to learning some new shit in year 33.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Post Presidential Debate v.1
John McCain causes terrible vaginal dryness and itching.
Seriously, I think my pussy hates him.
Here's to hoping I have something more intelligent, if not as succinct, to contribute tomorrow.
Seriously, I think my pussy hates him.
Here's to hoping I have something more intelligent, if not as succinct, to contribute tomorrow.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Post Veep Debate
Ohmyfuckinggod.
So, Sarah Palin. Let's talk about this.
She is a woman. Ovaries, breast, lipstick, woman. Check. And a wife. And a mother. Fine. Great. Whatever.
She's also a publicity stunt; a disaster; an insult. She sounds like a moron, with her "nookyouler" and her "up there." People keep talking about her like she's the second coming. She's "like us." She "folksy." She's "down to Earth."
Like who? Not like me. She's not like me. Oh wait! Do you mean she's like me in that she's uninformed and intellectually lazy? Then yeah. Okay, then she's like us. Except that she somehow thinks that a $5000 tax credit--to be paid for by taxing workers' employer paid-health benefits--will somehow work as comprehensive tax care.
Look. People thought Bush was folksy, and like us. LOOK AT WHERE WE ARE NOW! This is something we want to repeat? This? So great we want more?
"People are picking on her because she's a woman!"
Nope. People are picking on her because she's an asshat. She is Dan Quayle with a slightly better grasp on spelling. She's uninformed and unprepared. People are picking on her because she's ignorant.
I'm not proud she's running for V.P. because she's a woman and I happen to be as well. Instead, I'm embarrassed that people think she somehow deserves a pass because of the happenstance of her two X chromosomes. Does her inability to pronounce nuclear stem from a wandering uterus? Is that what causes her to support abstinence only education? Pray, do tell.
Sarah Palin doesn't make me embarrassed to be a woman. She makes me embarrassed to be an American. What does it say about us as a people that we would settle for her?
So, Sarah Palin. Let's talk about this.
She is a woman. Ovaries, breast, lipstick, woman. Check. And a wife. And a mother. Fine. Great. Whatever.
She's also a publicity stunt; a disaster; an insult. She sounds like a moron, with her "nookyouler" and her "up there." People keep talking about her like she's the second coming. She's "like us." She "folksy." She's "down to Earth."
Like who? Not like me. She's not like me. Oh wait! Do you mean she's like me in that she's uninformed and intellectually lazy? Then yeah. Okay, then she's like us. Except that she somehow thinks that a $5000 tax credit--to be paid for by taxing workers' employer paid-health benefits--will somehow work as comprehensive tax care.
Look. People thought Bush was folksy, and like us. LOOK AT WHERE WE ARE NOW! This is something we want to repeat? This? So great we want more?
"People are picking on her because she's a woman!"
Nope. People are picking on her because she's an asshat. She is Dan Quayle with a slightly better grasp on spelling. She's uninformed and unprepared. People are picking on her because she's ignorant.
I'm not proud she's running for V.P. because she's a woman and I happen to be as well. Instead, I'm embarrassed that people think she somehow deserves a pass because of the happenstance of her two X chromosomes. Does her inability to pronounce nuclear stem from a wandering uterus? Is that what causes her to support abstinence only education? Pray, do tell.
Sarah Palin doesn't make me embarrassed to be a woman. She makes me embarrassed to be an American. What does it say about us as a people that we would settle for her?
Monday, September 29, 2008
A Quick Post About Nothing
I should write about something.
I could, I suppose, write about the surprising failure of the mortgage bailout and what it means for our economy. Other people are already doing that, though. I can't really add anything to the hue and cry that hasn't already been said. Spending my days around shallow thinking armchair pseudo economist fucktards has pretty much sapped my desire to consider the matter further at this time. Suffice it to say that I'm not surprised it didn't pass. At this point, frankly, I'm really fucking hard to surprise.
I could write something happy; I could write about the wedding. It was a beautiful, wonderful day that was more fantastic than I could have hoped or had any right to wish for. At the same time, though. Wow. Those were some of the craziest, busiest, most exhausting and wonderful days ever. Frankly, just thinking about writing it all out exhausts me anew. I will get there eventually. Or I won't. Unless an editor wants to contact me and offer me money for my take on things, folks is just gonna have to wait.
I suppose I could talk more about my job. Let's see. I'm now up to 4 forms and 2 audits per each file, plus all the work that has to be done so I can complete all 4 forms and get to both audits. The fact is this, I've died and fucking gone to Office Space. I'm trying to embrace the notion that the universe is trying to shape me using the blunt skulls of my co-workers. Of course, what the universe is really doing is making me drink more and eat a lot of ice cream.
Meh. I'm in the doldrums, I think. Sort of this in-between place while I try to figure out what happens next. I guess I'll know what it crashes through the roof or bursts into flames in my driveway.
I could, I suppose, write about the surprising failure of the mortgage bailout and what it means for our economy. Other people are already doing that, though. I can't really add anything to the hue and cry that hasn't already been said. Spending my days around shallow thinking armchair pseudo economist fucktards has pretty much sapped my desire to consider the matter further at this time. Suffice it to say that I'm not surprised it didn't pass. At this point, frankly, I'm really fucking hard to surprise.
I could write something happy; I could write about the wedding. It was a beautiful, wonderful day that was more fantastic than I could have hoped or had any right to wish for. At the same time, though. Wow. Those were some of the craziest, busiest, most exhausting and wonderful days ever. Frankly, just thinking about writing it all out exhausts me anew. I will get there eventually. Or I won't. Unless an editor wants to contact me and offer me money for my take on things, folks is just gonna have to wait.
I suppose I could talk more about my job. Let's see. I'm now up to 4 forms and 2 audits per each file, plus all the work that has to be done so I can complete all 4 forms and get to both audits. The fact is this, I've died and fucking gone to Office Space. I'm trying to embrace the notion that the universe is trying to shape me using the blunt skulls of my co-workers. Of course, what the universe is really doing is making me drink more and eat a lot of ice cream.
Meh. I'm in the doldrums, I think. Sort of this in-between place while I try to figure out what happens next. I guess I'll know what it crashes through the roof or bursts into flames in my driveway.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Morning Surprise
I woke up late this morning with a Benadryl hangover. All fuzzy-headed and drowsy, I walked into the kitchen . . .
Huh. What the hell is that in the water dish?
Huh. What the hell is that by the water bowl?
Huh. What the hell is thOH MY GOD WHO IS BLEEDING?
Pug check. Jack check. Bennet--was in her kennel all evening so unlikely but check her anyway. Sammi cat? Where are you, kitty? Ack!
She seems fine, now. Her rumpled-y ear is all swollen, and yes, bloody. However, she's been purring and cuddling and basically being herself. We'll be gong to the vet in just about an hour; I expect we might get a cat lampshade out of the deal. She's napping comfortable on The Boy.
Holy shit, though. Fucking 5 plus feet of blood spatter in the morning before coffee? REALLY? Is this entirely necessary?
Huh. What the hell is that in the water dish?
Huh. What the hell is that by the water bowl?
Huh. What the hell is thOH MY GOD WHO IS BLEEDING?
Pug check. Jack check. Bennet--was in her kennel all evening so unlikely but check her anyway. Sammi cat? Where are you, kitty? Ack!
She seems fine, now. Her rumpled-y ear is all swollen, and yes, bloody. However, she's been purring and cuddling and basically being herself. We'll be gong to the vet in just about an hour; I expect we might get a cat lampshade out of the deal. She's napping comfortable on The Boy.
Holy shit, though. Fucking 5 plus feet of blood spatter in the morning before coffee? REALLY? Is this entirely necessary?
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Spin FAIL
I have apparently gone retarded because it just took me 8 or 9 tries to log into Blogger. Frankly, going retarded will probably make much of my life easier--work especially.
Seriously, though, I'm guessing it's because everyone in the whole damn world is online talking smack about Sarah Palin. And why wouldn't they?
I have not watched the entire Katie Couric interview. I quite probably won't. You know? Because if you're going to be that fucking stupid at me, you're going to have to cut me a check. I don't suffer that amount of foolishness for free. I did catch the minute or so where she talked about how because she's governor of Alaska, and because Alaska shares a "maritime border" (that's the Bering Strait, to you and I) and land border with Canada, that she has foreign policy experience. By that logic, the meth lab up the block makes me a motherfucking chemical engineer.
She sounded so ridiculous I would have felt sorry for her except for, you know, bitch should fight her weight. For example, if I knew I was going to be campaigning for THE VICE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES, I would at least pull an all-nighter and come up with a better line of crap. I mean, shit, I can't respect someone too stupid use spin effectively.
Part of being a leader is the ability to shine a turd. Epic fucking fail.
So, Palin made me sad.
This makes me happy, though. Deep, happy, belly laughs.
Seriously, though, I'm guessing it's because everyone in the whole damn world is online talking smack about Sarah Palin. And why wouldn't they?
I have not watched the entire Katie Couric interview. I quite probably won't. You know? Because if you're going to be that fucking stupid at me, you're going to have to cut me a check. I don't suffer that amount of foolishness for free. I did catch the minute or so where she talked about how because she's governor of Alaska, and because Alaska shares a "maritime border" (that's the Bering Strait, to you and I) and land border with Canada, that she has foreign policy experience. By that logic, the meth lab up the block makes me a motherfucking chemical engineer.
She sounded so ridiculous I would have felt sorry for her except for, you know, bitch should fight her weight. For example, if I knew I was going to be campaigning for THE VICE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES, I would at least pull an all-nighter and come up with a better line of crap. I mean, shit, I can't respect someone too stupid use spin effectively.
Part of being a leader is the ability to shine a turd. Epic fucking fail.
So, Palin made me sad.
This makes me happy, though. Deep, happy, belly laughs.
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